Thoughts of a Mother
by bh9
Summary: Three part fic for an anon prompt. Prompt: Judy's thoughts the first night she brought Quinn home from the hospital after she was born, after Beth was born and after her accident.
1. Thoughts After Quinn's Birth

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**Prompt:**

_Anonymous: Judys thoughts The first night she brought Quinn home from the hospitol after she was born,after Beth was born,after her accident_

* * *

Devastation consumes her upon the realisation of her circumstances. It's like a light bulb moment, she's been living in a self-deluded fantasy up 'til now and the force of the cold, February air smacks her in the face like a well overdue wake-up call.

She feels sick to her stomach, the taste of copper tinging her mouth as she grits her teeth. Sat at the doors of the hospital, she contemplates how far she'd get if she simply upped and walked away. It's the briefest of thoughts; knowing she has a four year old at home and not a dime to her name but her desperation has reached new levels as she falls back into the age old habit of forever seeking a source of freedom.

Looking down at the angelic baby in her arms; she can't help but be in awe at the perfect, pale skin, almost in disbelief at how tiny her little fingers are as they reach out blindly for a source of comfort. Her eyes are filled with tears as she takes in her new born, a distinct sense of guilt at knowing this child will probably never know true happiness, not in _their_ house, not with _her_ father.

At the sound of a car horn, her head snaps up, heart suddenly racing at the sight of the strong, blonde man exiting the car.

He looks like the epitome of a proud father; smile wide on his face, the smell of liquor absent as he helps her up from the wheelchair. People look at them with a misguided sense of satisfaction, an echo of jealousy evident in the depths of their eyes as they take in what appears to be the perfect little family.

How little they know.

As her husband settles their child into the car seat, she stares blankly out the window screen. Her fingernails dig into her palms as she tries, helplessly, to be hopeful.

But she knows this man, and she's seen this side of him before. After all, this isn't their first child. It never lasts long. Just like a new car smell, the effects wear off far quicker than expected and she knows it'll be even quicker this time.

The slam of the car door brings her back to the present, a hand squeezing her thigh in what should be a comforting manner. She looks down at it, eventually bringing her eyes to meet its' owner, forcing a smile that she knows looks more of a grimace as the same question whirls repetitively through her mind.

_What the hell have I done?_


	2. Thoughts After Beth's Birth

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

* * *

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I don't know what to do, what to say. I don't know where my place is now when all I want to do is wrap my baby up in my arms and tell her I've got her. But of what use is that when her child is in the arms of another woman?

For a time; she was a child without a mother, now she's a mother without a child and I can relate, if only slightly, to the trauma that this causes one's heart.

She's gone, long gone. I can tell from the way she looks out at nothing in particular, a solemn look on her face that tells me she thinks this is it, that this emptiness she's feeling will forever be there –a hollow cavity in her chest.

I don't know what to do and I doubt many mothers would, so I simply guide her to my car where she slips in without a word. Walking round to my own side; I sit next to her, noting her every feature, realising she's no longer my baby girl. She's so much more than that.

Taking her cold hand in my own, I squeeze it. There's so much I want to tell her but right now the simple gesture is all I can muster. I'm doing everything I can to not fall into the same state, after all, it's me that she inherited the coping mechanism from.

She remains unmoved, barely registering my hand on her hers. It's eerie but not in the least bit surprising. Pulling out of the space, I find my mind wandering as we make the trip back to our road. _How was it my daughter grew to be such a brave young woman? With only myself as a role model; how was she able to do such a selfless, loving gesture for the sake of her child?_

So much my daughter has, strength, courage and in some ways it feels like she is the parent. I suppose she has been for a long while. As I sat nursing a glass of wine, feeling sorry for myself after the latest bust up with Russell; it was Quinn that made sure the house was presentable and food was prepared. For so long I relied on my child; it's time for me to finally prove myself to her, to show her that she does have someone.

I am under no illusions that by having my support, she will heal any quicker. All I know is Quinn is my baby girl and just as she did everything for Beth's welfare, I will do the same for hers.


End file.
